Judgement Day.
The pathology results of the 13 skin cancers I had carved from my hide last week all came back today, and just as I suspected, none of them were actual skin cancers. Six of the sites were just smudges of dirt, 3 were specks of spaghetti sauce, 2 were splotches of Taco Bell Fire Hot Sauce, one was a small piece of crystallized corned beef hash, and one was listed as “left pinkie toe”. Upon reading that, I ripped off my left sock and sure enough…no pinkie toe. No wonder I have been walking tilted at an angle in circles all week!
OK so maybe I exaggerated just a little. All the pathology results came back as Basal Cell Carcinomas
but I had to frantically try to think up some rational way to explain away the fact that I woke up this morning without a pinkie toe. My loving wife will have a field day with this little nugget as she is always quick to remind me that I would lose my own head if it was not attached to my body. I spent the better part of the morning scouring through the bedding and under the bed but could find no sign of the toe. How in the world does a pinkie toe just up and run away anyway? I somehow suspect that one or more of our Obese House Cats are to blame as I have noticed they tend to drool quite a bit as I shuffle past with bare feet. I am going to try to play this one low key and will pray that the wife does not notice the missing toe anytime soon. I just hope that someday a week or two from now she is not rifling through the fridge looking for a snack and then starts screaming “OH MY GOD!!! WHO THE HELL PUT A PINKIE TOE IN THE REFRIDGERATOR AND DID NOT PUT IT IN A BAGGIE OR TUPPERWARE CONTAINER!!!”
Somewhere in New York City, Cosmo Kramer is recounting the pinkie toe incident to George Costanza and Jerry Seinfeld…
Kramer: Yeah, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran!?
Kramer: No I jumped on the bus. I told the driver “I got a toe here buddy, step on it!”
George: Holy cow!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost the idiot guy in Texas his pinkie toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, “Where do you think you’re going, Cracker Jack?” I said, “Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy – ” – knocked him out cold!
George: How could you do that!?
Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,’ because the driver, he’s passed out from all the commotion…the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I’m drivin’ the bus.
George: You’re Batman!
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin’ me! So I’m fightin’ him off with one hand and I kept drivin’ the bus with the other, y’know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know – at the next stop.
Jerry:(Incredulous)You kept making all the stops!?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
George: You did all of this for a pinky toe?
Kramer: Well, it’s a valuable appendage.
Jerry: What the hell kind of Idiot loses a Pinkie Toe anyway? What a loser!
No comments:
Post a Comment