Today’s a watery day.
Blue, blue, blue. Wearing the new necklace I designed: blue ribbon, lapis, deep turquoise, crashing wave clasp. Blue shirt, blue hair, blue suede shoes, blue jeans.
Walking across the sound, wind wiping through, choppy tides, seal bobbing; I feel watery. A need for water. Sleep hazy, middle of the night, grateful for cool air and the sound of rain. I need water inside and out. Drinking water, drawing in water, water into my soul.
Walking around Capitol Lake, enjoying the feel of the choppy water, enjoying the sound of water, the tree branches tossing in the water, beating against the cement walls of this manmade lake. Wondering about the legislator who wanted to look down into a lake, tame. Was the Sound too wild? Feeling drawn in, I must look closer, it’s me. Beating against the walls I’ve constructed in my self. Familiar imagery. Reminiscent of high school and a me I hated. Feeling walled in, beating my head against a wall, didn’t know I could go around it, didn’t know I created it, didn’t know how it protected me. I’ve been tearing down walls inside me and yet more remain.
Step up on the ledge, watching the waves crashing against the edge. Look down. A statue. A goddess. In the water, shimmering gold. It’s Ganesha. Destroyer of Obstacles. A moment of peace, a respite in this mad transition. You are not alone, you are not alone. Ganesh in his watery domain. A watery grave. Gravestones all around. Cardboard tombstones, rows and rows of names.
A seagull cries. A feather in my hand, as I’m walking. Drawn to the grocery store, because I need to eat, eat more than the vegan fare I’ve given myself. I’m thirsty. Thirsting for moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee than this, craving water, water. Staring at the salmon behind the glass window, wishing I didn’t want it. Wishing my soul and body didn’t crave this animal’s flesh. But it does and I can’t deny myself any longer. I can’t pretend I don’t want it any longer. Two inches, please. I eat it cold. And my Vegan heart is crying, but I’m so grateful. Thank you, thank you, I think over and over. Gratitude pours out of me. I can’t eat it fast enough, my hands are shaking. Still I wish I didn’t need it. Gratitude isn’t enough to alleviate the guilt I feel.
As I watch the tides and wind move the Sound over the stones below me, it occurs to me eating this salmon is yet another way to consume water. I love the sun and the blue skies, the quickly moving fluffy white clouds. But I yearn for rain. Water me. Water my dry parched soul.
Salmon in my dreams. Salmon, my birth totem. Salmon, the magic of this place. Why am I so thirsty?
What am I craving? Why do I need so much water?
Water to sooth. Water: the depths of emotion and subconscious, the well from which inspiration comes.
Water to sooth my burning heart. Too much fire. Too much fire this year, unfinished fire. I can’t finish projects. I realize that I blame myself for leaving Portland, for leaving my temple. I’ve failed. I let my fire burn too hot, too bright, and I’ve burnt myself. Cool, cool water, aloe, sooth my hurts. My fire self ripped open the wounds, too many wounds to deal with. Heal! Now! My fire self wants it all now. Accomplish! Now! My fire self wants it all now. My sun self misses the light. My moon self has gotten all the love this past year and a half. My feminine, my moon. The masculine doesn’t know what to do with itself when not in control. The masculine doesn’t know how to be when not in control. The masculine doesn’t know how to be second– the moon reflects the sun, patriarchy says. But my moon is the sun. My sun is my moon, we’re all the same.
Balance. Sun becoming moon. Moon becoming male. Fire into water, water into air, air into earth. Move beyond duality, beyond paradox, into something more. It hurts. Transformation. Release the need for hurt and transform with ease and grace. Slip through change like gently flowing waters. Dance through change like a flitting flame. Butterfly. Lovely. Release yourself from bondage. Chains of thought patterns and old ways of being. Live a new life. Allow in adventure.
Ganesh says, let me help. In the waters of your soul and body I am. Goddess, The Dark Moon, Dark Lady: let me change you! Let me transform you. Let me tear you apart, to let your light out. I am Destruction. I am the Breath of Creation. Fire and Water destroy with tenacity. I am all you need. Let me build a new you. From the souls of each molecule, a new you. Accept it. It will happen whether you will or no.
Goddess, Dark Creatrix, Ganesh, I open to accepting the gifts and support you offer. Into the core of my being, into each cell of this body, I accept the change you offer. I recognize my existence as change embodied. I am the dance of fire, flitting through time and experience. I am smooth running water, gracefully slipping across life’s experiences. I am your child. I AM that I AM. I see each experience as Divine expressions of my soul. I am forever grateful to participate in this Great Mystery.
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